My Roller Coaster of Thoughts Today

Philippians 4:13 is my motto.  I even have it tattooed on my shoulder.  So, if I can do all things through Him, why am I struggling after my accident? Why the questions?  Why this?  Why that?  

So many questions and am I doubting? Do I not believe enough?  Is what I'm going through a reflection of my relationship with Him? Do I not have enough faith?

At times, I think these questions are valid.  At times, I think it's an attack on my mind to get me to doubt and not be focused on what I should be.  It's a way to frustrate me.  But then I think, this is a frustrating situation.  I'm hindered with daily routines and desires.  But frustration isn't my doubting God.  It's frustrating that my whole world has been rocked because of someone else's lack of attention.  Her decision in life affected me (that's a whole other topic of how our decisions affect others, not just us). It's frustrating that I live with pain daily right now.  Why did it happen to me?  What's is the purpose of this? Why am I being flooded with emotions and flash backs? Can I not give it to God? Am I fully laying it down? Am I picking it back up?

Usually, I would have a much clearer picture and view of this.  My mind seems so cloudy lately.  Just when it seems that I'm climbing up the mountain, I fall back down.  Am I trying to do it on my own - from being an independent, do it myself type of person? I can't sit still and not progress.  But then I need to rest physically, mentally, and emotionally.  Where is the balance? Where is the clear picture? What am I to learn from this?

Hebrews 4:3a says that those who believe on Him can enter his rest…so SJ rest - physically, mentally, emotionally. 

As I look back on the last 3 weeks, I see 1 set of footprints in the sand.  No, I've not been abandoned.  I'm being carried.  I don't quite fully understand why this has happened or why it is affecting me mentally and emotionally as it has been.  But I do know this, God has not left me.  He is carrying me. Yes, I may still have moments of those floods of emotions, tears, and anger as I heal internally. But that doesn't mean I've been forsaken.

As I look at my hand and see and feel the damage to it, I'm still reminded of a devotion I taught at camp.  Deuteronomy 31:6 "So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you." You have a daily reminder that God is always there by just looking at your hands.  Take these 10 words and attach 1 word per finger.  God will never leave me. God will never forsake me. Even though I have a gimped up hand that doesn't fully function right now, God is still there…even when I break down, He is there…even when I'm feeling good, He is there.  He's always there.  I know that God went before me and put His divine protection around me on that morning. 

So for now, I will continue to meditate on Him and His promises.  I will be more aware of attacks on my mind and wiser than those who are doing that.  I will continue to deal with the emotions as I heal internally… I mean physical wounds don't heal overnight; neither do mental and emotional ones.  I will continue to trust God.  I will continue to sort through this.  I do know that I'm still here when the outcome could've been so much worse. But in the meantime, just pray for me.  And if you see me having a moment, please be sensitive to that and continue to pray for me. Those who truly know me - I mean truly know me - know that this amount of emotions is not normal for me. 

I have survived. I will focus on the 'I can." I will focus on Him. I will eventually heal.  I will eventually be ok.  I will eventually be stronger. There is a purpose and testimony through this someway, somehow.

SJ

A shout out to a wonderful friend, mentor who has helped me along the way.  Our communication has been like a poem back and forth lately.  I love it!  Here is her wisdom and guidance from God about this situation...a move from looking at myself and the questions to my focus and dependence being on God.  Be blessed!

­­­Questions?????

I understand the questions.

I misunderstand the questions.

I question the questions.

I wonder if the questions are important.

I wonder if they matter at all.

I wonder if I’m even asking the right questions.

I wonder if in the Light of Him the questions even are questions at all.

He is more than capable of all of my questions for He has the answers.

In all of my questioning help me to listen, help me to hear.

Help me to only look to Him and patiently know He is answering. 

He is answering by my faith in Him; if I remember to keep it strong.

He is answering by my dependence upon Him. 

At this point my questions force my dependence on Him. 

I must know that He is capable of being depended on….I must remember that when my questions overtake me……..

Yes, He hears my questions.

ST